Mar 15
hummmmm...
Ok well it seems I am still able to make things worse just by saying something. Like earlier, I said I might work here in England for a year before going to America and that kind of bugged Eddie. I only want to leave with my own money and not have to rely on him for a while, while I look for a job. On Monday, I start my course as a web designer. I wanted to do it at Uni, but the course I did didn't really go into detail about web design but also other aspects of digital arts. So I am doing a CIW (Certified Internet Webmaster) course which looks at web design etc. It will be really cool and it will help me understand more about I am interested in anyway. Its just once the course if finished, they will help find me a job too as a junior web designer. I thought I told Eddie that but its obvious I didn't because he didn't realise what I was going to do. They said I should apply for jobs as junior web design for the first three or so years till I get a good portfolio together and then I can start to work from home as my own company as a senior web designer. It would be really cool to say I am a web designerits just getting through the course that I will struggle with.
There is so much going on too. I want to move out of my parents and start being independent. But then I had Eddie saying it would be best I stayed at my parents, worked part-time and did the course with the rest of my time so I didn't have to pay rent. But the thing is I don't like it here really, I don't feel like I am always comfortable here. I am more like the outsider than a family member. I just want out but it seems like people think I should stay here just so I don't have to pay rent. I am going to have to pay rent sooner or later so why push it to one side now and make it harder for myself later on?
The plans that Eddie and I make just keep changing. At times I wonder if we are ever going to agree on one thing and stick to it. Thats why I start thinking about the future and how I would get there. But even then it seems that isn't going to work as apparently I am "postponing" all of Eddie's plans. I just want to have my own money first so I can pay for my share of everything. I don't Eddie to do all the work as I am not that kind of gal. I want a stable career in something that I can do at home, it seems that Idea is just a waste of time because no one understands what I am thinking. I might as well just be completely submissive/recessive then I can't do anything wrong.
Feb 27
Does all this matter?
Well I've been wondering if it is even worth me moving out my parents house and find a 9-5 job. I mean if its going to be cancelled for when I move, is there really a point. I really love my independence and I don't like to burden anyone but if I do try this, will it be worth it all as it will only be chucked away?
I know that I need to get out of this house. But I just wonder if anything I plan to do is really worth it. I really would like to set up my dance classes and help teach contemporary and I might get more teaching opportunities too in Autumn. But if I am moving, it won't make a difference. My aim of a dance class is to improve stamina and to widen ones dance vocabulary. I can't do all that in one session. I want it to last for as long as possible and work in dancing. But when I move, its a different story.
see when I do move, I will letting dancing go, as it is going to bring in enough money in the way I want. America already has established contemporary companies so there won't be anything different that I can bring. So I am going to forget about doing dance and just focus on getting a job that will help bring in money instead. As I doubt that any form of dancing will get enough money into the bank.
Feb 26
Crappy Crap Crap
Well If you couldn't tell, I've not really been the Happy Cheerful Sazzy since last week. Too much crap is coming at me in one go. So my week has been a very depressing one to say the least I think. But not self-harming occurred if people start to wonder.
Well I am finally moving out of my parents house on 30th March, or just before then maybe. To go live on a hauted lane, how cool does that sound. But really it doesn't seem haunted at all, it just scares my best friend a little I suppose. But if it means more independence then its better and not having anyone moan at me, but let me do what I want.
Then there is the fact of me being scared to move to America. I dunno why but I get really upset about it when I think about it. Its going to be really tough and I know I am not that strong so I feel like I might crack. Hopefully I won't but there is a possibility. I dunno, its just a bit thing to do and I am scared shitless about it.
9:36 AM May 20