May 15
Alone.. Again
Well! so much for my relationship "having potential" I guess I don't mind being alone really.. it depends, everyone gets lonely, today is lonely. I miss Kyle today but I get so use to it it isnt even a big deal anymore =/ so things didnt work out my this guyy... and I'm scared I'll start comparing every guy I date with Kyle and I'm also afraid I will never love someone that much again because I'm getting in my own way kinda sucks really but it's ok... being alone is ok.. well not really..
Apr 26
hmm..
I was thinking about trying to post everyday.. not that anyone really reads my blog unless i mention it (not that I'm complaining, its quite nice, i can write whatever the hell I want). I've been dwelling on the past today... I know i really shouldnt be but it doesnt hurt like it used to.. ok well it kinda did earlier.. I mean, me and him could of had a decent relationship after we broke up if i hadnt been an idiot. People say it's unhealthy to blame yourself, but what if you are just a bitch that hurts everyone? I'm not exactly the nicest person and I'm becoming more blunt everyday.. but if people don't like that well then maybe they should shove it. To be honest I think the only reason i post in this blog is because subconsciously I know it tempts me to message him and it tests my will power. I suppose thats epicly stupid considering one day I might make the mistake of actually doing so. I also havent spoken to solking in a while. The fact that I think he hates me almost as much as Kyle may be holding me back, which also makes me worried about talking to sazzy too... I miss people today. Kinda want everyone to come back and act like nothing ever happened.. I feel like I'm responsible for everyone leaving, I showed up and ruined bonds between people. but hey maybe I'm not that important and I'm being egotistical.. sure wish i still had my old friends.
Apr 25
Well Isnt that funny...
i came across this poem, reminded me of myself kind of.. mainly the 3rd stanza..
i am disordered but not disorderly. i am broken up.
i think nice thoughts like "streetlight" and "linens,"
and is there an instruction guide on happiness?
i could write one for you.
step one, paint your eyes cobalt blue.
step two, hang fireworks from coat hangers.
step three, turn into a dandelion. blow away.
my heart tries to escape from my throat. okay,
i am guilty in ways that you cannot tell anyone,
ever, not even imaginary best friends. or real ones.
or myself. freud says i am an iceberg, but i don't
know if he means i am full of repressed thought
or just a frigid bitch who will cut you open.
step four, there is no step four.
if i am an iceberg, i desperately need
someone to warm me in the palms
of their hands. no one ever will though,
because i sink ships and tear people apart.
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Anyway moving on...
Recent events over the past year or so have really helped me to discover who I am.. I guess when I was younger I always saw myself a certain way but when i think about it I was never the person i saw myself as or the person i wanted to be. But the past month things have really been truning around for me.. after a good few years my life is becoming more normal and relaxed which is good. My brain will always be older than my body (maybe thats just because i look too young for my age) and after all that happened i'm i'm kinda semi-permenant depressed.. i guess. I'll have off days where I'll wake up and have the past on my mind or someone will say something and it triggers some thoughts that (as unhealthy as it may be) are soo much much easier to supress but I'm a mentally strong person and I don't see myslef going to therapy i can deal with these sorts of things myself and I guess I kinda pride myself on that. So yeah, I have days when my will power is dreadfully weak and every so often I'll get days where i wanna see how he's doing but that would upset him and me so I wouldnt. I'm just at a very odd but somehow easy place at the moment. I'm confident now but i's kinda like.. the part of me thats in the past is still kinda present sometimes. I regret a lot of things and they haunt me almost everyday, there isnt a day goes past when i don't think "what if.." and I cringe at the horribleness of my own immaturity because some of the things I said and did i will never speak of to anyone because of how ashamed I feel just thinking about it. I guess i'm kind split into 2. The part of me thats in the present is really confident and happy nd moving forward at a good pace but there are still parts of my body and mind that are still kiinda dwelling over everything thats happned and I just don't know how to drag the rest of me forward and i just can't figure out what I'm still holding onto.. maybe just unanswered questions... i dunno. But besides my "off" days when i get upset I'm doing quite well I think.. I'm in a relationship with someone now that could have some real potential and he can cope with my epic craziness like my nervousness and the fact that I'm very paranoid. I still have Hayley who I love more than anyone on this Earth because I'd be 20 times worse without her she helps when the pain comes back, which it does sometimes.. she's amazing and I couldnt wish for a better friend.. to summarise the past month, thigs have just been getting.. Better.
Feb 19
Well Then..
After being told to never show my face here again.. guess whos back. I figured I'm not going to be afraid to log onto a forum when the people who told me not to, don't log on, like, ever. You have a problem with me being here? Thats good for you go ahead and get me banned. But as long as I can log onto this site, I plan to. Too much has happened to update on so yeah. Bye
Aug 7
Wow.
Well recent events have me kind of shocked. For now the pain is gone. I really wasn't expecting that. I mean sure there's a 50% chance the pain will come back. But, wow, to know that they did miss me, and they do care, after all that's happened I was almost in tears. Those were words I've needed to hear for months. I felt weird afterwards though. Where the pain was felt fine. It's hard to explain. Right now it feels like it was never there. I was kind of like "Shouldn't I feel happier than this?" That had me really worried at first but there's an improvement in me. I'm the way I was before this all happened. Well I've noticed it anyway. When I tell people Im happy I'm not lying anymore and it feels normal when I smile. I'm just feeling generally better. But this may not be permenant. Depending on the answer I'm waiting for all of this happiness could disappear. I've prepared myself for that. Maybe thats not why I'm as excited as I thought I would be. I think that's a good sign though. I haven't been this happy in a long time.
Aug 3
ouch.
Well here it is.. the pain is here again. I know it never went away it's been here for a few months now, I think... I can't estimate time anymore it's always changing pace. But today it hurt alot. The pain is like that, it's always there but I can tune it out when it isn't that bad. It's just there cause maybe it's apart of me now. I dunno, it'll fade eventually, maybe. Then there are other times when I think the wrong thing or give into temptation and just check on that person. That one person who tore me apart. I don't blame them, it's my fault anyway.. not saying i deserve a punishment this harsh.. but it is my fault. all of this pain. They don't see it anyway. I miss them so much. I just want to talk to that person. Why is that so difficult?? It sounds so simple, talking to a person.
Why is it that the immature option always seems to be the most satisfying?? It also seems to be the easier option. Right now if it was the right thing to do I'd give in and act on the thoughts i have been thinking for the past few months. It doesn't seem like that much time but it's been dragging along and then speeding up and constantly changing between the two. It was enough time to reduce me to something. I'm not quite sure what.. just... something I guess.
I guess I'm not being as discrete as I had planned. I guess everyone who knows me will know who that person is. If you don't well then i suppose that's a good thing. I guess that person will be pretty pissed off if they read this. I guess this is gonna sound really cold; But oh well. Just for the record, i have no idea where to put semi-colons.. i just like them..
I don't know what to do. The mature thing I suppose. Well i have to. I could lie to myself. Always an option and very easy. Doesn't hurt anyone else. Just tell myself that this is a good thing. That they're in as much pain as I am. Tell myself I'll get over this easily. None of this is true but idiots will believe anything I guess.
This pain is just horrible. I can't numb it when it gets this bad and I don't know what to do. Besides the fact that it hurts like hell it's sometimes.. inconvinient (damn i cannot spell) You can't curl up into a ball in the middle of the street and wait a couple of hours until you're breathing goes back to normal. Say i'm exagerating. That's probably what everyone thinks. I can now fully understand a phrase from someone who used to be a very good friend of mine "Time isn't a great healer. It takes too long."
Jul 14
my feelings
I feel empty, like there is nothing left in me except a bunch of bad feelings that I try to ignore. Although this is my fault the pain is slowly becoming too much to handle. I feel impatient. Well, I AM impatient. I'm feeling anxious (i hope spelt that right) Then when I realise I'm going to be waiting another day just to see if I've recieved what I'm waiting for I feel like there is no point to m existence at all. I honestly feel like an utter waste of space. Just using up oxygen. Maybe I should leave. Loose contact with everyone except people I'm forced to talk to and work out an everyday routine like: wake up, school, eat, sleep and do random stuff to fill the gaps in between. But people would notice and that's a very bad thing. Unless I was to just fade away from everything. That would be easier.
Jul 13
Starting over... Easier said than done..
As much as I would like to start over I can't. I'm afraid to lose what a can remember... which isn't much really. There are things in my past which I could forget if I really wanted to.. Damn, I thought i was doing so well, fooling my friends at school. I thought I was doing pretty well at being happy. Well the truth got thrown at me today. Got shoved right in my face. yep apparently I've been miserable for the past fuck knows how many weeks. Well that was a bit of a shock. None of them know whats going on in my life. I don't tell them because they just dissaprove. I know amazing friends huh? seriously.. am I THAT bad at acting? This is the most painful thing in my life so far. Thinking about this in general doesnt hurt, It's when I start thinking that some things I will never have again. I will never hear some words ever again. I won't be able to laugh the way I used to. People think this is an over reaction. It isn't. This is me this is how I feel. It's no exageration. People say they've been through it before loads of times and they got over it but for me it's different because i got too attachted. Emotional pain so severe it becomes physical pain. Of course I have no one to blame but myslef and I know that it's my fault. I accept that. Sometimes I wish they could see that I'm not exagerating. I'm under control, not fixed, just, pretending? Not all is lost. I have my memories. I suppose there is always the chance I could get more than I deserve and everything will be ok again. I've never wanted a single person to feel what I feel this much. I wish that person could see everything. Every thought I ever had about them. from the second I met them up to now. I can't help but wonder.. If that person knew these thoughts then they would understand? But I can't do that. They can't read my mind and It's all changed anyway. I just want my life to be it was in late August last year. I would love that. But hey, that stuff doesn't happen. I'm not so character in a book whos story can be changed into a happily ever after so on so forth it all really hurts ad I'm gonna be lie this for a while so I', screwed. Long story short: I'm in pain and I'm very inpatient.
Aug 21
some of my videos :D
these are some of the videos I've made most are kingdom hearts, yes most of them will have mistakes. But none the less I'm getting better
woop tell me what you think
9:32 AM May 20