May 22
Silly, Silly Hannah.
Urf. Hannah went and fell in love again xD Whhhhyyy do I do this? Bah. It probably doesn't help that the boy is the best looking person I have ever known and his personality is almost perfect.
My stance on the situation changes a lot. Sometimes it makes me cry. Other times I'm angry cause he lead me on, but I cant stay angry when he apologizes as much as he does X_X And other times I'm really at peace with being in love with him because he's turning out to be an amazing friend.
It's a very odd feeling. He's a gymnast and he had his british finals this weekend and he did so well but I have this odd sense of pride that I would feel if he was mine. But he's not and it's so bizzare xD. I can't help feeling that although our conversations are just between friends, they also feel closer than that because of the way I feel about him but they don't feel one sided. I really can't explain it. Sometimes it feels like we're together when we most certainly aren't because he sits and listens to what I have to say and actually cares (or he seems to anyway) and I do the same back. If we were a couple we'd be amazing together and it's annoying that he doesn't see or feel that.
What he says he sees in me to make me a really good friend is what I see in myself to make me a good girlfriend and if I could wish for anything at this moment, it would be that he would realise that together we'd be amazing. I just know we would.
I do love him, I really do and maybe sometime in the future things might work out in my favour, but for now I will settle for (the sometimes painful) honour of being a close friend.
Is breaking out a classic
Loving you isn't the right thing to do
How can I ever change things that I feel?
If I could, maybe I'd give you my world
How can I, when you won't take it from me?
You can go your own way, go your own way
You can call it another lonely day
You can go your own way, go your own way
May 16
It's been awhile
It really has been awhile xD So what's new? Well I start college in september studying art, photography, pyscology and english. I had my first exam today so hopefully the rest will go well :) I moved on. From everything :) I am proud of myself tbh and it's the reason I cut my hair. It represents getting rid of the old. Buuut it's me so I get over one thing and get hit in the face with another xD Is life I suppose. So yeah, Past experiences with love clearly teaches Hannah nothing xD But it's not too bad I suppose. I get over these things xD. Everything that happened left me a little damaged but it really made me more defined as a person and I don't always like who I am but it's me so what am I gonna do, right? Do I miss some of the people I used to talk to? Yeah of course I do but I meet new people and being alone really doesnt bother me too much. I do need to be loved or cared about by someone though. I live of being in love ( as pathetic as that is) Obviously I function without it but I function better if I'm in a relationship with someone. I don't know if thats cause I'm weird or if it's common but it's just how I am :) Bah I'm rambling. Just got too much to say i guess xD I'm always changing it seems.. hmmm...
Feb 4
Am I even here?
Just one of those days where I feel like I'm invisible to everyone. Just the little things, no one speaks to me. No one notices me and walk into me like I'm not there, I guess little things like that bother me after a while. Everyones busy with their own conversations and I'm just there in the middle of it, standing out but not noticed. I get that I'm not llike other people all the time but everyones a little fucked up one way or another so I can't be that different. I guess sometimes I just need someone to say that I'm special or maybe I'm pretty or anything.. I don't feel happy lately, I did for a while, but everyones lost interest in me, or they just don't like me anymore, but I havent changed...
Jan 29
Shit.
I feel like I'm gonna throw up. I knew it would happen eventually I suppose. It hurts. Wish you never moved on. Wish You were stuck like I am. Because without ever saying a single word, you destroy my chances of ever being with anyone again. Glad you didn't turn out the same.. Ok that's a lie. I wish you wanted me back more than anything you will ever want for the rest of your life. Things just don't work that way. Not for me. She won't love you more than I did (do, if I'm being honest with myself.) But if she puts that beautiful smile on your face than I am greatful she's around.
Jan 24
Shit just got real!
OMG HOLY SHIT! I start college this year! How the fuck did that even happen? omg I joined this sight when I was 12, I turn 16 in May. Omg...omgomgomg. Duuudddddeeeeee, So much has happened. I use this blog as a timeline lol, It starts just after me and kyle got together, to when when my douche of an ex took my virginity and cheated on me. And nowyaaaay now.
Omg, I just added Kyle on msn, wuuutlol? Yes, I added my ex, from a relationship that left me fucked for life, on msn. Why? Probably cause I want to not be fucked for the rest of my life and whatever I did wrong in said relationship doesn't mean I don't deserve to be happy with anyone ever again. I'm trying to fix myself. I've grown a lot over 2 years and I'm not who I was and I hope Kyle can see that, and actually try and talk to me, or at least listen.
So yeah, I will try and update more, even though no one reads my shit lol.
Oh and just for the record, sex is an epic dissapointment and I was NOT amused, So over rated v.v
Nov 3
Because If you ever read it... You'll know.
Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true
Hey there Delilah
Don't you worry about the distance
I'm right there if you get lonely
Give this song another listen
Close your eyes
Listen to my voice, it's my disguise
I'm by your side
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me
Hey there Delilah
I know times are getting hard
But just believe me, girl
Someday I'll pay the bills with this guitar
We'll have it good
We'll have the life we knew we would
My word is good
Hey there Delilah
I've got so much left to say
If every simple song I wrote to you
Would take your breath away
I'd write it all
Even more in love with me you'd fall
We'd have it all
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
A thousand miles seems pretty far
But they've got planes and trains and cars
I'd walk to you if I had no other way
Our friends would all make fun of us
and we'll just laugh along because we know
That none of them have felt this way
Delilah I can promise you
That by the time we get through
The world will never ever be the same
And you're to blame
Hey there Delilah
You be good and don't you miss me
Two more years and you'll be done with school
And I'll be making history like I do
You'll know it's all because of you
We can do whatever we want to
Hey there Delilah here's to you
This one's for you
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me.
You ever still laugh at the number 69? I remember the day we both laughed so hard at that. And i was laughing cause you were laughing, and I like to think you were smiling cause I was smiling, but I've never been too sure...
You remember a couple years ago when I couldn't bring myself to actually leave cause you were making me laugh by pulling silly faces and I giggled and you laughed and you smiled which made it harder for me to leave and in the end you had to force me too go even though we would both miss each other.
And now I finally think I'm ready to talk about this.
You remember the last time we spoke? I wish I could remember in better detail. I remember you never wanted to speak to me again and for the longest time I was in such shock and I was so numb I had to question if it had actually happened. You were speaking and I was just taking it in. I couldn't say anything to defend myself because it turned out I was wrong all that time. Not only that but it was 2 against one, I know I have no right to accuse people for acting immature but the fight should have been between me and you and no one else, in fact when you think about the actual topic of the fight, it wasn't about our relationship or you breaking up with me. It was you and your friend "defending" your other friend and you want to know the sick part that tears me up everytime? You were wrong. You should consult people before standing up for them cause maybe, just maybe you'll get the damn story wrong. So really, there shouldn't of been a fight at all and I shouldn't be this emotionally fucked but maybe I'm doing what I always do and just looking to blame someone else for my fuck ups. There is one part though, that I have no doubt will stay with me forever and as far as I'm aware this is a direct quote:
"No more I love you speeches?"
"No.."
"Good, then get the fuck out"
And I did exactly that then it was followed by screams of loss and agony followed by sobbing then that was followed by waking up.. unsure if it was a nightmare then came the months of laying in bed crying and curling up in pain from loss and depression. And you have never said another word to me since. I wish I could hate you. Because I'm not getting any better despite what I say because no matter how many good days I have I always come back to this place. and I always almost drop you a line and I always find my self wishing you were still mine but at the same time I wish I wasn't so pathetic so that I could actually move on. I guess for now, I'm stuck feeling like this. Damn I pray to god you read this, I really do.
Sep 19
Because every so often
Because ever so often I still have emotional breakdowns...
I've been bent out of shape
This was always more than I will ever be able to handle.
I'm tired of crying over the same person
The same words
The same mistakes.
Fallen tears will never chenge what was said
But I shed them for you anyway.
Here.
Take them.
Everything I ever did was for you.
I just needed you to see what a wreck I am without you
Look!
Why won't you see what this did to me?
Look at me!
Have I paid enough for my mistakes yet?
You never knew how much I cared for you.
To lie awake and wonder if you're even still breathing
You don't what thats like!
To worry if someone who never thinks about you is ok.
Do you know how it feels to live with yourself knowing you ruined your own life?
Do you?!
No.
You don't.
I guess you never gave a shit anyway.
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Moving onto the shit I write when I'm NOT a total mess.
S.A.D
Seasonal Adjustment Disorder
It sucks ass.
Because in crappy old England it's starting to look more and more like winter, I'm getting more and more depressed. It makes me feel so isolated and I feel like I'm losing my god damn mind. Because not only is this house miserable as shit, this town in tiny, then oh, nevermind I live on a fucking island anyway. It's annoying cause there is fuck all I can do about it. Winter just depresses me, really badly, and it isnt even winter yet wtf.... I hate ths place.
Jul 18
Fuck this shit.
i fucking give up.. you wait 4 years for a guy then he fucks off. 4 years of friendship meant fuck all! i see him around and its like i may as well not be there! How can he do that? he doesnt care at all! He lied he said it meant something more because of out prior friendship he lied he teated me like the other girls he left behind! FUCK! what did i do? it's like he doesnt even exist anymore.. he never even cared at all... I feel used and worthless. I meant nothing at all...i wish i could hate him i really do...
Jun 24
whoa..
its annoying how i remember the little things and they kinda send me into shock. I just realised its been over a year since Kyle said he loved me and I was sure he meant it. A YEAR. thats such a long time... I''ve grown so much in that time its so scary.i look back two years and.. I was a different person. i dont talk the same and i've developed the weird quirks that make me myself. I don't even look the same. In the past years I've made such a recovery from the mess that I was I'm actually kinda proud of myself. It's hard to believe i didnt see my dad for three years when i was ten because his visits are feeling more frequent (considering the circumstances) and they're just so casual and cofortable. Tbh it's just the fact that everything that happened with Kyle was long ago and it just didnt feel like it. its just.. wow.. feels good to move on from it and look back and know that it happened and just accept it and continue on without it being bothered and upset by it everytime i think about him. I certainly feel more mature.. I'm starting to see it as a gift not a curse. I'm content with myself but not eberything can be perfect all the time theres always gonna be something buts its ok because things are finally easy to deal with.. except my paranoia that sucks balls... but thats a personal story for myself and I =P
Jun 16
Congrats.. it only took you 4 years...
ok so here's the story. About 4 years ago i met this guy called Rob.. who i liked he was cool whatever, then a while passed and i liked him kinda too much..but he knew.. and when he left school (cause he's 2 years older) i has already accepted the fact that i loved him but it was hopeless and i got on with my life no problem.. but whenever i saw him or spoke to him it just reminded me off how i felt so a few weeks ago he contacts me and wants to know if i'm out anytime soon so i figured why not. and we met up had fun then it all got kinda crazy and skipping details (for your sanity) we are now together... have been for a few weeks now and things are going well.. kinda crazy but good.. just savouring it while it lasts. I'm happy and i'm comfortable around him because we've always been good friends its easy but not awkward. nothings gone wrong thus far (yes i'm paranoid) and he accepts my crazy although i dont think he knows the full extent of it yet >>
9:32 AM May 20